It Starts with Rejection.
Rejection. We’ve all had our fair share, right?
Being in the business of entertainment; being a comedian a writer, an actor, exposes you to more than your fair share, I believe.
Some of us are more affected by rejection than others. We take rejection as ostracism and we can do damage to ourselves and our careers if we take it too deeply to heart. I don’t know about you but I know some people who have given up after too much rejection.
The problem is sometimes too much is only once.
But the good news is I think we can learn to smash through rejection and overcome it.
In order to help overcome rejection, it would first help to have a handle on what it is so that it doesn’t seem so ominous and out of our ability to control it.
Understanding the Science of Rejection
Psychologists say that the fear of rejection is hard-wired into our brains and was established as some sort of survival mechanism.
Not to dwell too much on the primaeval science of rejection and the fear of it but for the sake of understanding and overcoming it, here it goes:
Back in the day when we were hunter-gatherers, we relied on tribes to survive. If you were rejected by the tribe it meant ostracism, which meant you would lose access to the fire, the food, etc. Which would lead to your ultimate demise.
Therefore the rejection mechanism is sort of an “early warning system” according to Psychologist and author, Guy Winch, Ph.D. When our behavior might get us ostracised we feel rejection and that feeling is supposed to trigger us to change our behavior so we stop being rejected.
To top it all off we humans are social animals, so the rejection can really be harmful. So much so Winch has actually labeled rejection as a psychological “injury.”
He’s not too far off considering that rejection affects the same brain regions and neurotransmitters as does physical pain. Which explains why during a break up you can actually feel physically ill, get a headache, collapse.
Also during rejection, our brain produces natural painkillers; Opioids, that can help us cope with the pain and continue on… or like me, make me sleep.
How Not to Let Rejection Get the Best of You
I was fortunate to have very supportive parents. They encouraged me to get up and face the day, despite rejection. I grew up in an actors’ family and got to see my Dad go to auditions, not get the part and not let it affect his tenacity, and belief in himself. I was able to witness him bounce back the very next day and book two out of three auditions.
So when it came time for me to audition, I didn’t allow the rejection part of it to knock my self-worth. And without conjuring up visuals of Al Franken’s Stuart Smalley and “Affirmations,” the popular sketch on Saturday Night Live back in the day, I would tell myself that I’m good enough and that the reason I didn’t get the part is not that I couldn’t act, but because I just wasn’t the right match.
Psychologists have a similar approach. They say you can prepare for rejection better by identifying the qualities you believe you bring into this world. Write them down.
Hell, write them down several times! Own them and know them. That way when you do receive some rejection, you can walk away from it a little stung, but with your head held high, ready to tackle the next challenge.
You should really take a moment–right now– and write down five to ten values you bring to this world! No really. Right now!
When it comes to rejection, I like to simply say to myself, “No is not an answer and it’s unacceptable.” Of course this is when dealing with the industry of show business, (getting a script approved or getting an audition), and not when I’m with a woman trying to get to third base! And why am I still trying to get to third base with my wife? When you’re married, isn’t third base where you start?
But wait, we were being serious in this blog post, Dude!
You are ‘Perfect’
I think psychologists have a point when they say you should write down your valuable traits. I believe it’s something that will help you deal with rejection.
I tell my students and myself that they are ‘perfect.’ I’ve said it so much to myself that I inherently believe it.
Now before you get weird on me on that, let me explain…
What I say is, you must believe you are perfect in all your flaws. I encourage my students to own that of themselves.
I honestly believe that about myself and I have a ton of baggage. There are stores in the mall that wish they had as much Samsonite as I do. I have skeletons and massive failures. But I believe that has made me who I am and I’m pretty freakin’ happy with that because I am constantly trying to learn from my mistakes, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t.
But that’s okay, because if I take the time to assess and evaluate, I can probably learn.
Your biggest mistakes are your greatest lessons. So when you do screw up and you do fail and you are rejected, you learn valuable lessons and if you walk away from that rejection focusing on what you learned rather than focusing on the rejection and self-talking yourself into depression, you’ll do much better with rejection and succeed more often.
Yes, focus on what you learned, move on, continue believing in yourself. Psychologist have determined that rejection is real. It exists, but how deeply we let it affect us is up to us.
We Can Cower or We Can Conquer.
The reason I wrote this blog post is that I’ve seen people–friends of mine–give up their dreams because they were rejected… even once. Then when they hit middle age, they shoulder this huge burden of regret.
When I first auditioned for the Improv, I was rejected three times by co-owner Mark Lonow. If I let that rejection get me down I might never have continued. But on my third rejection from Lonow, I looked him in the eye and said, “You’re not the only way into the Improv, Mark.”
I don’t recommend ever saying that, by the way! I did it because I was hurt (one of the side effects of rejection) and I stupidly lashed out.
But the very next day, I went into the Improv, waited three and a half hours to see Bud Friedman. When I finally saw him, I introduced myself and begged him to let me audition for him.
He said, “Come down tonight and do twelve minutes.”
I thanked him and came back that night with my twelve.
When I was up on stage, after six minutes, out of the corner of my eye, I could see Bud Friedman walk out of the showroom.
My heart sank.
When I finished my act, audience members high-fived me. I heard compliments. I was confused. Why did Bud walk out of the room?
I went up to the bar and waited for Bud. When he finally showed up, these are his exact words: “Very nice set, Mr. Corley. I tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to start you in Vegas and go from there… Oh, and I want you to do the show.”
“What show is that, Bud?”
“A&E’s ‘An Evening at the Improv,’ of course.”
On the night of the taping of the show, I was in makeup sitting in a chair right next to Bud… as I looked into the mirror, creeping up to me was Mark Lonow, the co-owner, who rejected me three times before.
He leaned into my ear and said in this disdain-filled voice, “How’d you slip through the cracks?”
Bud Friedman looked at him in the mirror and said, “Mark, the last time I checked, my name is first on the Marquis.”
I did the show that night and had a really solid set and after that set, my first T.V. set, my career changed. I haven’t stopped working since.
I share this with you because rejection is a part of this business. We must learn to cope with it and not let it get us down.
And just like the picture way up at the beginning of this post, when we encounter the obstacle of rejection when can either give up, go around or break right through.
There are few things I love more than this business. One of those things is the artists who journey through it. If this blog post gave you some inspiration, drop me a comment. I would love to hear your thoughts and your obstacles and how you overcame them.
I would also like to share with you the article that inspired this post. It is a post that shows original rejection letters to famous people. The post is very appropriately titled:
it’s by Averi Clements at Distractify.com.
I hope it inspires. Go get ’em!